Day 28: Reencountering the Demons

I am sick as a dog. It seems that I'm coming down with the flu, which is disappointing because I haven't had it since I was in high school. There goes that streak... I was fine Saturday night, then woke up Sunday morning with a cough and irritated throat. I wrote it off to allergies, but I felt progressively worse as the day went on. By seven, I felt like crap. And I still had to drive back to Austin from San Antonio. Granted, it's only an hour drive, but making that drive feeling sick as hell is never fun. Luckily, I was able to get hold of a couple of people and they kept me company on my cell phone. Made for a much shorter drive.

Although all that is true, it's a means of procrastination. What's really been spinning around in my head is that I haven't been honest with everyone around me, or with myself. I posted a blog not long ago about facing our demons. After years of repressing painful feelings, I had finally gotten the point that I knew I had to face them either now or later. And although the thought of sitting down with my pain was terrifying, I was proud of myself for coming far enough along that I knew that that was what I needed to do.

In the last month an a half, I have made huge strides in getting past disappointment, in not being bitter and angry, and in doing for myself. I've got plenty lined up for the year and several of my goals will come to fruition in 2008. However, I was so proud of myself that I stopped looking at what I was trying to figure out. Bear with me here, because this is where it becomes hard to put my thoughts into words...

Because things had been going so well and because I had lined up so much for myself, I had stopped looking at the disappointment and hurt of the last three months. After losing my last love, I was knocked down almost as low as I ever had been. And I have made progress. Anyone who knows how I was immediately after the breakup and sees me now knows how far I've come. But I still miss him as much as I ever have; I still love him as much as I ever have.

Now, I'm not fooling myself. I've been through enough to know that love is no guarantee; I don't torture myself by imagining a tearful and relieving reunion. As much as it sucks, I have to accept the fact that the relationship is over--although it's still hard to conceptualize that--especially considering it's been three months. (Damn, time does fly, even when you're not having fun).

I have to sit down and reexamine these feelings. I have to be honest with myself and everyone around me. I'm still hurting. If I overlook that, it will bite me in the ass somewhere down the line. I don't have the first idea what to do about it, but I think that admitting it and examining it are good first steps.

So, here I am, hurting as much as ever, unable to escape the memories of everything I had. But still determined--determined--to come out of this OK.

J

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No matter where you run,
there you will be...

Hey, J,
It's been a long time since I've seen ya last--
A half and twenty-six years.
"My time goes fast.

I know,
But I've been through some deep changes in my life
It hasn't been easy.
Oh no, not for me.

It's been difficult at times.
Sometimes I sit down and cry
and ask God, 'Oh, why?'"

(Fair, what is?)...

You see, but, oh,
It catches up to us fast.
We have to deal with our past.
I know it's painful, but
There, you will find specialness...

--Janet