Day 28: Reencountering the Demons

I am sick as a dog. It seems that I'm coming down with the flu, which is disappointing because I haven't had it since I was in high school. There goes that streak... I was fine Saturday night, then woke up Sunday morning with a cough and irritated throat. I wrote it off to allergies, but I felt progressively worse as the day went on. By seven, I felt like crap. And I still had to drive back to Austin from San Antonio. Granted, it's only an hour drive, but making that drive feeling sick as hell is never fun. Luckily, I was able to get hold of a couple of people and they kept me company on my cell phone. Made for a much shorter drive.

Although all that is true, it's a means of procrastination. What's really been spinning around in my head is that I haven't been honest with everyone around me, or with myself. I posted a blog not long ago about facing our demons. After years of repressing painful feelings, I had finally gotten the point that I knew I had to face them either now or later. And although the thought of sitting down with my pain was terrifying, I was proud of myself for coming far enough along that I knew that that was what I needed to do.

In the last month an a half, I have made huge strides in getting past disappointment, in not being bitter and angry, and in doing for myself. I've got plenty lined up for the year and several of my goals will come to fruition in 2008. However, I was so proud of myself that I stopped looking at what I was trying to figure out. Bear with me here, because this is where it becomes hard to put my thoughts into words...

Because things had been going so well and because I had lined up so much for myself, I had stopped looking at the disappointment and hurt of the last three months. After losing my last love, I was knocked down almost as low as I ever had been. And I have made progress. Anyone who knows how I was immediately after the breakup and sees me now knows how far I've come. But I still miss him as much as I ever have; I still love him as much as I ever have.

Now, I'm not fooling myself. I've been through enough to know that love is no guarantee; I don't torture myself by imagining a tearful and relieving reunion. As much as it sucks, I have to accept the fact that the relationship is over--although it's still hard to conceptualize that--especially considering it's been three months. (Damn, time does fly, even when you're not having fun).

I have to sit down and reexamine these feelings. I have to be honest with myself and everyone around me. I'm still hurting. If I overlook that, it will bite me in the ass somewhere down the line. I don't have the first idea what to do about it, but I think that admitting it and examining it are good first steps.

So, here I am, hurting as much as ever, unable to escape the memories of everything I had. But still determined--determined--to come out of this OK.

J

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No matter where you run,
there you will be...

Hey, J,
It's been a long time since I've seen ya last--
A half and twenty-six years.
"My time goes fast.

I know,
But I've been through some deep changes in my life
It hasn't been easy.
Oh no, not for me.

It's been difficult at times.
Sometimes I sit down and cry
and ask God, 'Oh, why?'"

(Fair, what is?)...

You see, but, oh,
It catches up to us fast.
We have to deal with our past.
I know it's painful, but
There, you will find specialness...

--Janet

Day 23: Waiting for Connection

I've realized that what I'm longing for is connection. Being in a relationship is one way to obtain that, but definitely not the only way (although, I must admit, I do miss that connection so much that it's a physical feeling). I crave conversation with people who understand. Not that I never get it. I'm blessed to have several people I can have substantive conversations with, people I can explain everything to without fear of judgment or misunderstanding. But... I guess I want more of it. A large majority of the people I share that connection with live in different cities, or even states.

This is not a "woe is me" post, but it seems that finding that connection is hard as hell, and I cling to every moment of that real-ness I can get with other people. Most nights, however, I end up at the keyboard, trying to voice my desires, my concerns, and my truths to myself.

But, if this is the year I'm planning it to be, good surprises must be around the corner. I suppose this is a matter of patience, much like almost everything else has been lately. Lord knows my patience could use some enhancement. Perhaps this is the opportunity...
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Don't you know that
That patience is a virtue
And life is a waiting game

Don't you know that
Peace must be nurtured

--Corrine Bailey Rae

J

Day 20: The Simple Pleasures

Hanging out with family, I'm reminded of the simplest pleasures in my life. Time spent with my sister and cousins is time WELL spent. It's always good to have people who you can act a fool with, knowing they'll be fools right alongside you.

It's the simple moments that make the days fulfilling, and help us move past the disappointments of the past.

And a few beers never hurt...

J

Day 19: Affirmation

I have come a long way!
------------------------------------------------
I'm 'bout to change my vibe
Today the sun's gonna shine
'Cause I MADE UP MY MIND
THAT TODAY WILL BE THE START OF BETTER DAYS

Leavin' old shit behind
And get on with my life
The blindfold's off my eyes
And I wanna say for me, it's better days

--Janet Jackson

J

Day 16: Growth

I'm on the edge of something. I can feel the scales wanting to teeter, which is a good thing. I'm walking a path that I can't quite see, but like Doctorow said about writing, you may only be able to see as far as your headlights go, but you can make the entire journey that way. My headlights tend to be a bit short-sighted, but the difference now is that my faith keeps me on this path, even when I can only see a few inches in front of me.

Of course, my friends have helped me see a little farther than I normally would. It's funny... In the difficult moments I still have, the phone always rings at the right time, or someone I feel I need to talk to pops online, or someone will say the just-right thing to keep me afloat and remind me that things are not as bad as they seem.

Hopefully this isn't too much like rambling, but I'm more grateful than I can say for the people God's sent my way. Everything's not roses and rainbows and all that good stuff, but in the midst of the difficulty and pain, good things are shining through. This has been an terrible and an amazing time.

I'm growing, y'all. And it's exciting. Difficult at times, but exciting. Just in time for 30....

Now for some departing words from Lauryn:

Everything is everything
What is meant to be will be
After winter must come spring
Change it comes eventually

;)

J

Day 13: This Is the Defining Moment of Our Lives

I borrow words from India Arie tonight, words that hit me and made me see more than I have in a long time:

'Cause you're beautiful like a flower
More valuable than a diamond
You are powerful like a fire
You can heal the world with your mind
There is nothing in the world that you cannot do
When you believe in you

You, who are beautiful
You, who are brilliant
You, who are powerful
You, who are resilient

Now we're moving from the darkness into the light
This is the defining moment of our lives

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There are great things coming. This is the defining moment.

Thank you to Jay for helping me realize what I need to realize.

J

Day 8: The Most Important Lesson

It's been a moody week. But I guess not every day can be cheerful... It's a combination of things. I've been running like crazy at work, so I'm drained every day when I get home. I'm finally sleeping, but I'm so behind on rest, it'll take me a few days to catch up. And there are still things lingering on my mind that I haven't quite shaken yet.

I'm still not 100%. I'm vastly better even than I was just a couple weeks ago, and I know that in another couple of weeks, I'll be able to say the same thing again, but, for now, I'm still getting to where I'm supposed to be. I've learned to accept that it's a process, and I've been much kinder to myself lately--giving myself the time and quiet that I need, and separating myself from the people who don't want to give me that same space. I know I'll make it. The best thing I can do for now is support myself the best way I know how. Hell, even pamper myself now and then. Last night, I bought myself a good bottle of wine and settled down with a book. And it was wonderful. I even got the beginning of a new story down.

So, I'm learning to become my biggest supporter. I'm learning to not jump my own case for everything that happens. And I'm learning to pamper myself when I need to. Despite being single, I'm OK. Not great, but OK, which is a vast improvement over where I was a couple of months ago. I'm learning to love myself, even when there's not that one special person here to love me. It's a lesson that's been long in coming.

J

Day 5: Back to the World of Stories

I've spent nearly the entire day reading the second half of Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking. I have never read anything so comprehensive about grief. Or anything so brave. To try to excavate the layers of her grief after her husband's death... It seems unthinkable to me.

That book shifted something inside me. After I finished it, I felt disoriented, like I do after an intense writing session--like there's a huge electrical charge in my head and I have to get out of the house. Like I just hit upon some huge realization and it's threatening to blow right out of my head.

But, to keep the focus on the new year and progression... This is the first book in weeks I've sat down and read all the way through. Lately, I haven't had the concentration to sit and read a book, at least not for more than a few pages at a time. This, I hope, is progress. Reading is as fundamental as breathing or eating for me. The fact that I couldn't was a sure sign that all was not well with me.

This is one of those posts that doesn't make sense as I'm writing it. And I wonder if it will make sense when I reread it later. But something has definitely been knocked loose inside me by reading this book. And it's going to take time to digest it.

In the meantime, I'm relieved that I could sit down and read again, lose myself in a story and remember again why I want to write. That urgency to sit down and create is coming back. A sign that I'm coming back to myself? You know, I think so. I the the juices are starting to flow again. I may be coming back from underground...

J

Day 4: Look the Demon In the Eye

So far, so good. My friends are doing well this first week of 2008. A couple are discovering great developments in love and life. I ran this week. Had a great time hanging out with a friend last night. So far, it's been good.

Makes me wonder... How much do we really create our own reality? I've heard that several times before, but I've always thought it was a bunch of B.S. No matter how positive our thoughts, someone's bound to get run over by a bus sometime. But there just may be something to all that.

I'm more determined than ever that this is my time. I was always waiting for my payoff to come. Now I'm thinking, maybe it was never a matter of waiting for the payoff from lessons learned. Maybe--just maybe--it's always been about me putting those lessons to use--not being so passive about it. You think?

As long as I've got my people behind me (because Lord knows things aren't always going to run this smoothly), things are gonna be all right. Gotta keep pushing forward. A peek back now and then is inevitable. Sometimes, I can feel the pain from last year like it's lying on my chest, but the trick is acknowledging that pain and still pushing on.

Denise Chavez, one of my favorite writers and speakers, tells a story: She woke up in the middle of the night one night and spotted a demon in the tree outside her window. She looked at it and told it, "No, I'm really sorry, little demon. You are going to have to sit there 'cause I'm going back to bed."

That's the trick: looking it in the eye, saying hello, and going on about our business. Now, it sounds a lot simpler than it is. But, it's never impossible. If it were, I'd be certifiably insane by now.

Look it in the eye. Move on.

J

Day 1: Measure Your Life in Love

It's the first day of 2008. I decided to close my second blog, What's Next, for a couple of reasons. For one, 2007 ended up so disappointingly after a great start, I was ready to close the year in every way possible. Also, I discovered the answer to the question of my blog title: Change is what was next. I thought it was finally my turn to settle down. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

This has been a day of rest. As expected, the partying went on late into the night last night. I got a couple of hours of sleep last night and have been with my niece all day. Admittedly, not a bad thing in itself, but she can wear a person out.

After today, though, I'm getting into gear. I have some big things lined up in 2008. I'm going to start running again tomorrow. I stopped running when I came down with a sinus infection a few weeks ago, then got a bad head cold. But it's back to business this week. I even bought myself new running shoes to get myself more excited.

I'm also going to get back on a writing schedule. I was doing good until everything fell apart a couple months ago: I was writing for an hour every day after work. I was actually getting work done. Well, as scary as sitting down and facing myself on the page is, I'm going to get back on track with that again. I'm at work on a series of personal essays. We'll see what I can do with them.

I'm also joining a gay softball league this spring. I know... Joseph, athletic? Who woulda thought? But I'm twenty different kinds of excited about it. I was in an intramural softball league ages ago. This could be fun. And getting myself into shape never hurts.

And I'm going to start a couple of volunteer positions. I'll be tutoring again, once a week at the local public library. I'll be assigned a student that I'll work with through the semester. Depending on how things go, I may add another student to my load. I'm also going to volunteer at the local OutYouth center. I miss working with kids. These are both great ways to get back into it.

And, the big one... I'm getting my teaching certification this fall. It's time. I've finally decided to stop fighting the teaching bug. Besides writing, teaching is the one career that I know will satisfy me. I have not given up on the writing. I can still work on that. I just know it's time for me to do this. I've looked into the program at one of the local colleges, and it looks perfect for me. If things work out and I'm accepted into the program, I'll be starting in May and will be in the classroom by August. Then, I'll be certified by 2009. I'll finally be a career man.

So, there's a lot of opportunity waiting for me in the coming year. As much as I'm still hurting over the disappointment of 2007, I know there's much to look forward to. I need to get going because no one's going to do it for me. As difficult as it is, it can only get easier.

As for the title of the new blog, for anyone who's seen the movie or musical Rent, it's from the song "Seasons of Love," where the cast asks how we should measure a year in a life. And the answer: "Measure your life in love." That's what it comes down to. No matter how many times we fall because of it. And the clean layout is just what I need. No carry-over, nothing clouding goals and expectations. In these next 525,600 minutes, I want to grow (finally). I want to get on with things and finally--finally--LIVE. Without sadness. Without regret. Without fear.

Here's to a better year, to a fuller year. Here's to (I don't care how corny this sounds) all our dreams coming true. To finding love that amazes us more than any other has. To dreaming BIG and not being afraid to. This is it. I have paid my dues out the nose. I'm collecting this year. I'm ready for 30 and everything that'll come with it.

Let's all do it.

J