Day 366: Blessed, and Excited!

I began 2008 determined that this would be a good year. I was starting with zero and unsure of what direction to move in. I had no idea what would come.

I have been incredibly blessed. I pushed myself more than I ever had, bit off more than I ever had, and it all paid off. I am a teacher now. I was accepted into a stellar teacher certification program, became one of the top students, and I’m a teacher now (which can be a mixed blessing). I have finally moved into my own place, which I love. And I have found the love of an amazingly devoted man with all that I’ve looked for in the past. We have a ways to go, but one day at a time is working great.

I had no idea on day one that any of this would happen. I’m making it. There is still plenty of work to do, but I’m getting there.

New master plan: I will teach the next couple of years, but will be applying to graduate school next December. God willing, I’ll be a student again the following fall. It’s time to conquer more dreams, get that master’s and doctorate, then get myself on the professor track.

I’m also at work on my first new short story in over a year. And, hopefully, I’ll be in a writing group soon, which will keep my lazy self working regularly.

Now, I still have the next semester to get through. Teaching has been even harder than I had ever thought it would be, and I was thinking it would be pretty damn hard. But, I will drag my students tooth and nail if I have to to their success. We have unimaginable work to do, but we will do it. Failure is not an option.

Measuring this year in love, it has been huge. Friends and family have lent unimaginable support. Every time I thought I was at one of my ends, in flew someone with their cape. It was amazing how they came at just the right time, every time. And running into Mr. Man was a pleasant surprise as well. We have come into this with no illusions, but willing to put in the necessary work and not looking for anything to come quickly.

It has been a challenging, wonderful year, and I still have so much room to grow. There is no limit to what I can do, and I will be doing even more next year than I did this year. This blog is over, and I don’t know how often I’ll be able to blog next year; I’ll be busier than I was this year. But I will be blogging. I have to get this journey into words.

Life is good.

Thank you.

Measure in love.

J

Day 280: Here I Am

I've been teaching for a month and a half now. And it still blows my mind that I'm a teacher. Let me be blunt here: teaching is kicking my ASS! But, I love it. Who gets to do every day what they love? It comes with a price tag. I can't stand the administrative part of the job, but there's no getting away with it. And I've forgotten what it's like to be well-rested. But, Thanksgiving break is a month away. I'll be grateful for a few days away from the school.

The kids are great. They drive me nuts, but I love them. They're my responsibility now. It's terrifying if I let myself think about it. I'm responsible for 20 people's educations! Cut that thought...

All in all, although it's one of the most difficult things I've ever done and I'm stressed to the max, I'm grateful to finally be teaching, and to have come impossibly far from where I was almost exactly a year ago.

Unfortunately, the writing has gone by the wayside, as is evidenced by the lack of new blog posts. And since my weeks are so crazy, I'm adamant about having my weekends. Well, not really... More times than not, I'm in the classroom at least one day out of the weekend. BUT, when I'm not, I take my sanity time.

Personal developments continue. I'm still making my journey to wherever the hell I'm supposed to be, and still trying to maintain the faith that I'll get there. It's a struggle to balance the personal with the work life right now, but I'm determined. The trick is not letting the job swallow me. I'm getting better...

In other areas, I'm not giving anything away. Suffice it to say that all is well, and it'll be even better once I finally get things balanced and don't feel so drained from work.

Keep your head up.

J

------------------------------
I coulda stayed in that place too long
I woulda made it okay for you to do me wrong
I woulda played the role one more day
If I didn't hear my conscience say
Stop, look around
This is where you belong
Look at yourself
Are you weak, are you strong
I realized that it's all up to me
To make myself happy...

Giving up on those things that hurt me
Made me who I am today

--Brandy

Day 236: Waking Up

Life is full of double-edged swords. Personal circumstances have led me to finally admit to myself that I do miss having someone around, that I'm not so emotionally detached as I had led myself to believe. This is a good thing in the long run, I know. But, in the meantime, it sucks. Been getting attacks of the lonelies, especially at the end of these twelve hour days working at the school. Where's my foot rub at the end of the day and that person to unwind with?

Maybe long hours by myself in the classroom are just making me crazy.

Or maybe it's getting close to that time again...

J

----------------------------
Sometimes I feel
Like I don't belong anywhere
And it's gonna take so long
For me to get somewhere

Sometimes I feel so heavy-hearted
But I can't explain 'cause I'm so guarded
But that's a lonely road to travel
And a heavy load to bear

And it's a long, long way to Heaven
But I gotta get there
Can you send an angel
Can you send me an angel

To guide me

--Alicia Keys

Day 211: I've Come So Far

I'm 30 now. I've landed a teaching job. I have come farther than I had thought possible last fall.

Things are actually lining up.

I'm grateful.

I've learned that despite the disappointment, despite being single, I have more love from people around than I know what to do with.

This is not to say that life is a never-ending rainbow. The "moments" are still plentiful and there are times that test my emotional resources, but damn it if I'm not amazed at where I've ended up.

I have affected change in people's lives, and many people have affected change in mine. It has been a long time coming, and a long time away from the blog. Too much to process at times, but all is well, and all is well, and all manner of things are well.

There's only one thing missing--well, I hesitate to say "missing;" let's say one thing I haven't found yet. But that will come in time. For now, I'm loving where I'm at, and I'm damn proud of myself for getting here.

J

*********************
"Closer to my dreams"

--Goapele

Day 115: A Taste Of It

I finished Denise Chavez's Loving Pedro Infante during my lunch hour, and something clicked into place. I caught a glimpse of my old happiness. And it exploded on me--in a good way--on the way back to work. For the first time since last spring, I felt the old happiness, the old excitement, and the feeling that everything's wide-open. For that moment, I shook off the confining sense of terminal doom that's been riding on me for six months.

I had my music going, the breeze flew through my open windows, and I felt open. I can think of no other way to describe it.

I don't expect this crazy manic moment to sustain itself, but I know I'm starting to come back to myself. Finally.

I'm not back yet. But I'm coming.

J

************************************************
The game would never end until I grew tired and finally decided to stop.

At some point, you just have to stop.

You have to.

Denise Chavez, Loving Pedro Infante

Day 108: ...And I Did It

I'm in.

I was accepted during my interview, before acceptance letters go out.

It's all finally coming together. The last six months are finally being vindicated.

I can't express the relief/joy/rush I felt coming out of that interview. This is the best thing that's happened to me since I graduated from UT.

Things are happening.

J

Day 105: The Best News I've Gotten In Months

I'll be interviewing Thursday for a spot in the teaching program. I haven't wanted anything this badly since last year. I didn't realize how badly my fire had gone out till now. But I've got this in my sights. I'm set for it. With my experience mentoring and tutoring kids and the support network I have of friends and mentors working in education, this has to be mine.

I just might be Mr. Vigil after all. See you in the classroom...

J

Day 102: I'm Back

Finally, I got back to NeoSoul night.

And it was fuckin' great to be back.

Finally, something besides work and tutoring.

This schedule will not beat me down.

Back on track.

Much Love,
J

Day 95: Right Now, Still

I dreamed about him.

And it brought everything back so that I feel like it's last October right now.

Still? Are you serious?

*sigh*

I give up. I throw up my hands. I'm out of good ideas.

All the rationalization and anger in the world don't change how I feel right now.

Over five months. It stil hurts.

Have to keep pushing...

J

Day 90: A Check-In

Time for another evaluation...

I went through a mini-slump for about a week and a half. Just one of those patches where everything seemed to be resurfacing and I was afraid I was backsliding. But, you know, it wasn't a backslide. It was a rough patch that's--unfortunately--to be expected. After a huge fall, no one gets off that easily. While climbing back up, there are going to be things that hit us; it's inevitable.

So, in the interests of self-examination: I'm doing all right. I've managed to string together five months' worth of one-day-at-a-time. And things are steadily on the up-and-up, despite the small slumps here and there. Although I'm still car-less, I'm still doing what I need to do. I'm looking forward to getting back to the mic when I do end up in another car. And I'm just about finished with the application for the teacher certification program. I'm still pushing forward, even when I don't want to. The only alternatives are stagnating or backsliding, and I don't intend to let either one happen. I have invested too much in myself this time around.

So, I give myself the stamp of approval. Another check-in will come when it needs to. The slow-down from the wreck was good. I need to look at myself again--and rest because my schedule sure was wearing me down.

But I'm still here. Time to put on the afterburners again and push through what should be an interesting couple of months.

And 30 draws closer...

J

**********************
29, and I've realized
Everything we want's not meant to be
29, then you qualify
To step into responsibility
So I try to prioritize
By deciding what I know is best for me

--Ciara

Day 80: Logic vs. Emotion

Rational versus emotional.

Where do we all fall on this spectrum?

This has been ringing through my mind lately after having a discussion/debate about the practicality of love, and of emotions in general. And after all this, I'm still of the mind that you can not explain love. You can explain the results of love and the reasons why it didn't work out, if it didn't. But the moment that a connection forms between two people--that is the moment that is inexplicable. No amount of logic can anatomize the connection between two people... or the way love hangs around, even after the person is gone, and especially when we know, logically, that the love should be gone.

Some call it a love hangover. I think it's more pervasive than that. And more frustrating.

Why do we love after they're gone?

And why do some words come when it's far too late?

J

*****************
I'd be lying if I said I was completely unscathed
I might be proving you right with my silence or my retaliation
Would I be letting you win in my non-reaction...
Why do you affect me
Why do you affect me still
Why do you hinder me
Why do you hinder me still

--Alanis Morissette

Day 76: Blessed Conversation

I spent a majority of today in conversation, and it never ceases to amaze me how real talk with people of substance can turn a day. To have people who not only listen, but understand; not only sympathize, but empathize; is beyond value.

I am grateful.

J

***************************
Just a simple conversation
Just a moment is all it takes
I wanna be here just to listen
And I don't wanna hesitate

--Alicia Keys

Haikus Inspired By a Friend: A Brief Observation And a Story

I am stunned by love
just by viewing family,
photos we treasure
-------------------------
Realized fortune,
gave thanks for what's come his way,
scared to ask for more
...
when he gets the nerve,
so many things defeat him,
and silence coats him
...
so he smiles big
and repeats his gratefulness,
repeats his silence
...
silence is louder
than any noise he could make,
but no one hears it
...
best not to disturb
what's been so well established;
better to wonder?
...
and his conclusion...
he hasn't come to any--
old desperation
...
and his echoed hope...
that a brave, bold someone else
breaks the silence.

Day 75: First Setback

In a year full of good fortune so far, something had to happen...

I was in a wreck Tuesday and my car is totaled. And, true to form of my luck, the property settlement from insurance falls well short of what I still owed on the car note. So I get to pay now for a car I no longer have.

BUT, this will work itself out. I know it will. I was down yesterday after finding out my car's being totaled, but I'm back up. This is not the year for staying down.

Did I just say that? Certain people would be proud.

Anyhow... This is a setback, yes, but I have too much going on right now to stay back. I had a week off from the open mic and tutoring. It's time to get back to business. There are poems to be written, poems to be performed, students who need help, and a world to conquer.

AND, the same day I was in the wreck, I got an unexpected raise. Once again, "the bruises and the beauty of this moment." It all comes together somehow.

Signed,
Bouncing back more quickly than ever before

J

********************
Get your head out your dreams, they would say
Shot me down time and time again
Stubborn boy, he refuses to change
Ooh, catch a cloud, but
You can't keep me down

--Joss Stone

Day 70: Three Questions

The first, courtesy of Jay:

"Why not try something different?"

Why not start taking care of myself?

How?

J

Day 62: And It Feels So Good

I have finally let go. I laid my sorrows down in a different city and am feeling new now that I'm home.

It feels so good.

It feels so clean.

I am ready for what's next.

J

**********************
Just let it go
and love can be so good;
stop living the blues.

--Janet

Day 60: I'm Almost Here

Let me explain the absence: I had a lot brewing in my head (understatement). I knew there were huge changes going on inside me, but couldn't identify them. I knew I had to give in to them. And I knew it would be for the better.

The distance I've come in four months is amazing. As I've told friends, the only way I was going to change was if I was blown to pieces. Last fall, I was. Everything I had based anything on was suddenly gone. I didn't know in which direction to turn. I didn't know what to do next. I didn't know anymore how to breathe.

That pain is still right around the corner. Thinking of that time, when it was still fresh, still brings it back to my chest. But it is fading. I can look back now and see how far I've come. I've been helped on this road by friends who have given me their ears, their shoulders, and--most importantly--a few minutes of their time. As Anne Lammott says, all we really have to give of ourselves is to tell someone in pain, "Do you need to talk? I've got a minute."

And I am grateful for all the minutes my friends have given me.

One such friend has told me several times that the person responsible for this change is me, that I wouldn't have made these changes if I wasn't ready. I will give him that. But I also was pushed along by others' faith in me, by them reminding me of how strong I am, even--and especially--when I don't feel strong.

Again, thank you to them.

And now...

Now, I am strong again. I've rediscovered how amazing spoken word is and the amazing people that make it happen. I'm back on the mic, giving voice to my experiences and finding my voice every time I speak. I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to a person that I've kept trapped. And he's ready to roar.

He's Professor J. And he takes the mic two times a week. And he's terrified every time he goes up. And still, he gets up there. And that speaks to his fortitude.

He is me.

The changes are still happening, but I am beginning to see their end effect. The world has yet to reckon with me. But I'm almost there. I still have a ways to go. But I've passed the halfway point.

Jay, if I lost my right hand, I'd still have my right-hand man,and all would be well, and all would be well, and all manner of things would be well. Corey, you've been my left-hand man 'cause we're both left-handed, and no matter how busy we get, you always will be. Michael, you're the one who checked on me every day. My gratitude is unending. Antoine, you've always understood and not for a second judged. You are rare.

And they're not the only ones.

Joseph and Professor J are coming together, and when they do...

Watch for it.

J

***********************
It's called the past 'cause I'm gettin' past it,
and I ain't nothin' like I was before.
You oughta see me now.
--------------
The bruises and
the beauty of this moment
--------------
Life is cheap, bittersweet,
but it tastes good to me...
I'm gonna risk it all, the freedom to fall,
sure looks good to me.
--------------
It's 'bout time,
said it's my time
for me to shine.

--Alicia Keys
As I Am

Day 35: Lingering Loneliness

I am lonely. Not the "woe is me, I have no one" kind of lonely. Fortunately, I have plenty of people to talk to, and people who keep me more than entertained while I do my eight hours Monday through Friday.

But something is not there that needs to be there. Something profound. That feeling of yes! that I get when I'm talking to someone who understands. That assuredness that I will be accepted with every single shortcoming I have. The feeling of relief knowing that there will be someone who can offer some relief at the end of the day.

As it is, I feel like I don't get a deep-enough connection enough of the time. I can get it with my writing, and that's always welcome/inspiring, but there is no comparison between connecting with words on a page and a live person.

Who do I turn to for relief from disconnection?

And why does everything I'm typing sound so desperate and needy today?

J
-------------------------------------------
Who really cares
When I talk
What I feel
What I say

Nobody not really...

Maybe I'm invisible to the world
Does anyone in the world even think of me
As more than just a hopeless cause
Maybe the world is not my block
My stoop
My life
My dreams
My anything...

All alone in a big empty space with
Nobody not really

--Alicia Keys

Day 28: Reencountering the Demons

I am sick as a dog. It seems that I'm coming down with the flu, which is disappointing because I haven't had it since I was in high school. There goes that streak... I was fine Saturday night, then woke up Sunday morning with a cough and irritated throat. I wrote it off to allergies, but I felt progressively worse as the day went on. By seven, I felt like crap. And I still had to drive back to Austin from San Antonio. Granted, it's only an hour drive, but making that drive feeling sick as hell is never fun. Luckily, I was able to get hold of a couple of people and they kept me company on my cell phone. Made for a much shorter drive.

Although all that is true, it's a means of procrastination. What's really been spinning around in my head is that I haven't been honest with everyone around me, or with myself. I posted a blog not long ago about facing our demons. After years of repressing painful feelings, I had finally gotten the point that I knew I had to face them either now or later. And although the thought of sitting down with my pain was terrifying, I was proud of myself for coming far enough along that I knew that that was what I needed to do.

In the last month an a half, I have made huge strides in getting past disappointment, in not being bitter and angry, and in doing for myself. I've got plenty lined up for the year and several of my goals will come to fruition in 2008. However, I was so proud of myself that I stopped looking at what I was trying to figure out. Bear with me here, because this is where it becomes hard to put my thoughts into words...

Because things had been going so well and because I had lined up so much for myself, I had stopped looking at the disappointment and hurt of the last three months. After losing my last love, I was knocked down almost as low as I ever had been. And I have made progress. Anyone who knows how I was immediately after the breakup and sees me now knows how far I've come. But I still miss him as much as I ever have; I still love him as much as I ever have.

Now, I'm not fooling myself. I've been through enough to know that love is no guarantee; I don't torture myself by imagining a tearful and relieving reunion. As much as it sucks, I have to accept the fact that the relationship is over--although it's still hard to conceptualize that--especially considering it's been three months. (Damn, time does fly, even when you're not having fun).

I have to sit down and reexamine these feelings. I have to be honest with myself and everyone around me. I'm still hurting. If I overlook that, it will bite me in the ass somewhere down the line. I don't have the first idea what to do about it, but I think that admitting it and examining it are good first steps.

So, here I am, hurting as much as ever, unable to escape the memories of everything I had. But still determined--determined--to come out of this OK.

J

-------------------------------------------

No matter where you run,
there you will be...

Hey, J,
It's been a long time since I've seen ya last--
A half and twenty-six years.
"My time goes fast.

I know,
But I've been through some deep changes in my life
It hasn't been easy.
Oh no, not for me.

It's been difficult at times.
Sometimes I sit down and cry
and ask God, 'Oh, why?'"

(Fair, what is?)...

You see, but, oh,
It catches up to us fast.
We have to deal with our past.
I know it's painful, but
There, you will find specialness...

--Janet

Day 23: Waiting for Connection

I've realized that what I'm longing for is connection. Being in a relationship is one way to obtain that, but definitely not the only way (although, I must admit, I do miss that connection so much that it's a physical feeling). I crave conversation with people who understand. Not that I never get it. I'm blessed to have several people I can have substantive conversations with, people I can explain everything to without fear of judgment or misunderstanding. But... I guess I want more of it. A large majority of the people I share that connection with live in different cities, or even states.

This is not a "woe is me" post, but it seems that finding that connection is hard as hell, and I cling to every moment of that real-ness I can get with other people. Most nights, however, I end up at the keyboard, trying to voice my desires, my concerns, and my truths to myself.

But, if this is the year I'm planning it to be, good surprises must be around the corner. I suppose this is a matter of patience, much like almost everything else has been lately. Lord knows my patience could use some enhancement. Perhaps this is the opportunity...
---------------------------------------
Don't you know that
That patience is a virtue
And life is a waiting game

Don't you know that
Peace must be nurtured

--Corrine Bailey Rae

J

Day 20: The Simple Pleasures

Hanging out with family, I'm reminded of the simplest pleasures in my life. Time spent with my sister and cousins is time WELL spent. It's always good to have people who you can act a fool with, knowing they'll be fools right alongside you.

It's the simple moments that make the days fulfilling, and help us move past the disappointments of the past.

And a few beers never hurt...

J

Day 19: Affirmation

I have come a long way!
------------------------------------------------
I'm 'bout to change my vibe
Today the sun's gonna shine
'Cause I MADE UP MY MIND
THAT TODAY WILL BE THE START OF BETTER DAYS

Leavin' old shit behind
And get on with my life
The blindfold's off my eyes
And I wanna say for me, it's better days

--Janet Jackson

J

Day 16: Growth

I'm on the edge of something. I can feel the scales wanting to teeter, which is a good thing. I'm walking a path that I can't quite see, but like Doctorow said about writing, you may only be able to see as far as your headlights go, but you can make the entire journey that way. My headlights tend to be a bit short-sighted, but the difference now is that my faith keeps me on this path, even when I can only see a few inches in front of me.

Of course, my friends have helped me see a little farther than I normally would. It's funny... In the difficult moments I still have, the phone always rings at the right time, or someone I feel I need to talk to pops online, or someone will say the just-right thing to keep me afloat and remind me that things are not as bad as they seem.

Hopefully this isn't too much like rambling, but I'm more grateful than I can say for the people God's sent my way. Everything's not roses and rainbows and all that good stuff, but in the midst of the difficulty and pain, good things are shining through. This has been an terrible and an amazing time.

I'm growing, y'all. And it's exciting. Difficult at times, but exciting. Just in time for 30....

Now for some departing words from Lauryn:

Everything is everything
What is meant to be will be
After winter must come spring
Change it comes eventually

;)

J

Day 13: This Is the Defining Moment of Our Lives

I borrow words from India Arie tonight, words that hit me and made me see more than I have in a long time:

'Cause you're beautiful like a flower
More valuable than a diamond
You are powerful like a fire
You can heal the world with your mind
There is nothing in the world that you cannot do
When you believe in you

You, who are beautiful
You, who are brilliant
You, who are powerful
You, who are resilient

Now we're moving from the darkness into the light
This is the defining moment of our lives

************************************************

There are great things coming. This is the defining moment.

Thank you to Jay for helping me realize what I need to realize.

J

Day 8: The Most Important Lesson

It's been a moody week. But I guess not every day can be cheerful... It's a combination of things. I've been running like crazy at work, so I'm drained every day when I get home. I'm finally sleeping, but I'm so behind on rest, it'll take me a few days to catch up. And there are still things lingering on my mind that I haven't quite shaken yet.

I'm still not 100%. I'm vastly better even than I was just a couple weeks ago, and I know that in another couple of weeks, I'll be able to say the same thing again, but, for now, I'm still getting to where I'm supposed to be. I've learned to accept that it's a process, and I've been much kinder to myself lately--giving myself the time and quiet that I need, and separating myself from the people who don't want to give me that same space. I know I'll make it. The best thing I can do for now is support myself the best way I know how. Hell, even pamper myself now and then. Last night, I bought myself a good bottle of wine and settled down with a book. And it was wonderful. I even got the beginning of a new story down.

So, I'm learning to become my biggest supporter. I'm learning to not jump my own case for everything that happens. And I'm learning to pamper myself when I need to. Despite being single, I'm OK. Not great, but OK, which is a vast improvement over where I was a couple of months ago. I'm learning to love myself, even when there's not that one special person here to love me. It's a lesson that's been long in coming.

J

Day 5: Back to the World of Stories

I've spent nearly the entire day reading the second half of Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking. I have never read anything so comprehensive about grief. Or anything so brave. To try to excavate the layers of her grief after her husband's death... It seems unthinkable to me.

That book shifted something inside me. After I finished it, I felt disoriented, like I do after an intense writing session--like there's a huge electrical charge in my head and I have to get out of the house. Like I just hit upon some huge realization and it's threatening to blow right out of my head.

But, to keep the focus on the new year and progression... This is the first book in weeks I've sat down and read all the way through. Lately, I haven't had the concentration to sit and read a book, at least not for more than a few pages at a time. This, I hope, is progress. Reading is as fundamental as breathing or eating for me. The fact that I couldn't was a sure sign that all was not well with me.

This is one of those posts that doesn't make sense as I'm writing it. And I wonder if it will make sense when I reread it later. But something has definitely been knocked loose inside me by reading this book. And it's going to take time to digest it.

In the meantime, I'm relieved that I could sit down and read again, lose myself in a story and remember again why I want to write. That urgency to sit down and create is coming back. A sign that I'm coming back to myself? You know, I think so. I the the juices are starting to flow again. I may be coming back from underground...

J

Day 4: Look the Demon In the Eye

So far, so good. My friends are doing well this first week of 2008. A couple are discovering great developments in love and life. I ran this week. Had a great time hanging out with a friend last night. So far, it's been good.

Makes me wonder... How much do we really create our own reality? I've heard that several times before, but I've always thought it was a bunch of B.S. No matter how positive our thoughts, someone's bound to get run over by a bus sometime. But there just may be something to all that.

I'm more determined than ever that this is my time. I was always waiting for my payoff to come. Now I'm thinking, maybe it was never a matter of waiting for the payoff from lessons learned. Maybe--just maybe--it's always been about me putting those lessons to use--not being so passive about it. You think?

As long as I've got my people behind me (because Lord knows things aren't always going to run this smoothly), things are gonna be all right. Gotta keep pushing forward. A peek back now and then is inevitable. Sometimes, I can feel the pain from last year like it's lying on my chest, but the trick is acknowledging that pain and still pushing on.

Denise Chavez, one of my favorite writers and speakers, tells a story: She woke up in the middle of the night one night and spotted a demon in the tree outside her window. She looked at it and told it, "No, I'm really sorry, little demon. You are going to have to sit there 'cause I'm going back to bed."

That's the trick: looking it in the eye, saying hello, and going on about our business. Now, it sounds a lot simpler than it is. But, it's never impossible. If it were, I'd be certifiably insane by now.

Look it in the eye. Move on.

J

Day 1: Measure Your Life in Love

It's the first day of 2008. I decided to close my second blog, What's Next, for a couple of reasons. For one, 2007 ended up so disappointingly after a great start, I was ready to close the year in every way possible. Also, I discovered the answer to the question of my blog title: Change is what was next. I thought it was finally my turn to settle down. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

This has been a day of rest. As expected, the partying went on late into the night last night. I got a couple of hours of sleep last night and have been with my niece all day. Admittedly, not a bad thing in itself, but she can wear a person out.

After today, though, I'm getting into gear. I have some big things lined up in 2008. I'm going to start running again tomorrow. I stopped running when I came down with a sinus infection a few weeks ago, then got a bad head cold. But it's back to business this week. I even bought myself new running shoes to get myself more excited.

I'm also going to get back on a writing schedule. I was doing good until everything fell apart a couple months ago: I was writing for an hour every day after work. I was actually getting work done. Well, as scary as sitting down and facing myself on the page is, I'm going to get back on track with that again. I'm at work on a series of personal essays. We'll see what I can do with them.

I'm also joining a gay softball league this spring. I know... Joseph, athletic? Who woulda thought? But I'm twenty different kinds of excited about it. I was in an intramural softball league ages ago. This could be fun. And getting myself into shape never hurts.

And I'm going to start a couple of volunteer positions. I'll be tutoring again, once a week at the local public library. I'll be assigned a student that I'll work with through the semester. Depending on how things go, I may add another student to my load. I'm also going to volunteer at the local OutYouth center. I miss working with kids. These are both great ways to get back into it.

And, the big one... I'm getting my teaching certification this fall. It's time. I've finally decided to stop fighting the teaching bug. Besides writing, teaching is the one career that I know will satisfy me. I have not given up on the writing. I can still work on that. I just know it's time for me to do this. I've looked into the program at one of the local colleges, and it looks perfect for me. If things work out and I'm accepted into the program, I'll be starting in May and will be in the classroom by August. Then, I'll be certified by 2009. I'll finally be a career man.

So, there's a lot of opportunity waiting for me in the coming year. As much as I'm still hurting over the disappointment of 2007, I know there's much to look forward to. I need to get going because no one's going to do it for me. As difficult as it is, it can only get easier.

As for the title of the new blog, for anyone who's seen the movie or musical Rent, it's from the song "Seasons of Love," where the cast asks how we should measure a year in a life. And the answer: "Measure your life in love." That's what it comes down to. No matter how many times we fall because of it. And the clean layout is just what I need. No carry-over, nothing clouding goals and expectations. In these next 525,600 minutes, I want to grow (finally). I want to get on with things and finally--finally--LIVE. Without sadness. Without regret. Without fear.

Here's to a better year, to a fuller year. Here's to (I don't care how corny this sounds) all our dreams coming true. To finding love that amazes us more than any other has. To dreaming BIG and not being afraid to. This is it. I have paid my dues out the nose. I'm collecting this year. I'm ready for 30 and everything that'll come with it.

Let's all do it.

J