Day 90: A Check-In

Time for another evaluation...

I went through a mini-slump for about a week and a half. Just one of those patches where everything seemed to be resurfacing and I was afraid I was backsliding. But, you know, it wasn't a backslide. It was a rough patch that's--unfortunately--to be expected. After a huge fall, no one gets off that easily. While climbing back up, there are going to be things that hit us; it's inevitable.

So, in the interests of self-examination: I'm doing all right. I've managed to string together five months' worth of one-day-at-a-time. And things are steadily on the up-and-up, despite the small slumps here and there. Although I'm still car-less, I'm still doing what I need to do. I'm looking forward to getting back to the mic when I do end up in another car. And I'm just about finished with the application for the teacher certification program. I'm still pushing forward, even when I don't want to. The only alternatives are stagnating or backsliding, and I don't intend to let either one happen. I have invested too much in myself this time around.

So, I give myself the stamp of approval. Another check-in will come when it needs to. The slow-down from the wreck was good. I need to look at myself again--and rest because my schedule sure was wearing me down.

But I'm still here. Time to put on the afterburners again and push through what should be an interesting couple of months.

And 30 draws closer...

J

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29, and I've realized
Everything we want's not meant to be
29, then you qualify
To step into responsibility
So I try to prioritize
By deciding what I know is best for me

--Ciara

Day 80: Logic vs. Emotion

Rational versus emotional.

Where do we all fall on this spectrum?

This has been ringing through my mind lately after having a discussion/debate about the practicality of love, and of emotions in general. And after all this, I'm still of the mind that you can not explain love. You can explain the results of love and the reasons why it didn't work out, if it didn't. But the moment that a connection forms between two people--that is the moment that is inexplicable. No amount of logic can anatomize the connection between two people... or the way love hangs around, even after the person is gone, and especially when we know, logically, that the love should be gone.

Some call it a love hangover. I think it's more pervasive than that. And more frustrating.

Why do we love after they're gone?

And why do some words come when it's far too late?

J

*****************
I'd be lying if I said I was completely unscathed
I might be proving you right with my silence or my retaliation
Would I be letting you win in my non-reaction...
Why do you affect me
Why do you affect me still
Why do you hinder me
Why do you hinder me still

--Alanis Morissette

Day 76: Blessed Conversation

I spent a majority of today in conversation, and it never ceases to amaze me how real talk with people of substance can turn a day. To have people who not only listen, but understand; not only sympathize, but empathize; is beyond value.

I am grateful.

J

***************************
Just a simple conversation
Just a moment is all it takes
I wanna be here just to listen
And I don't wanna hesitate

--Alicia Keys

Haikus Inspired By a Friend: A Brief Observation And a Story

I am stunned by love
just by viewing family,
photos we treasure
-------------------------
Realized fortune,
gave thanks for what's come his way,
scared to ask for more
...
when he gets the nerve,
so many things defeat him,
and silence coats him
...
so he smiles big
and repeats his gratefulness,
repeats his silence
...
silence is louder
than any noise he could make,
but no one hears it
...
best not to disturb
what's been so well established;
better to wonder?
...
and his conclusion...
he hasn't come to any--
old desperation
...
and his echoed hope...
that a brave, bold someone else
breaks the silence.

Day 75: First Setback

In a year full of good fortune so far, something had to happen...

I was in a wreck Tuesday and my car is totaled. And, true to form of my luck, the property settlement from insurance falls well short of what I still owed on the car note. So I get to pay now for a car I no longer have.

BUT, this will work itself out. I know it will. I was down yesterday after finding out my car's being totaled, but I'm back up. This is not the year for staying down.

Did I just say that? Certain people would be proud.

Anyhow... This is a setback, yes, but I have too much going on right now to stay back. I had a week off from the open mic and tutoring. It's time to get back to business. There are poems to be written, poems to be performed, students who need help, and a world to conquer.

AND, the same day I was in the wreck, I got an unexpected raise. Once again, "the bruises and the beauty of this moment." It all comes together somehow.

Signed,
Bouncing back more quickly than ever before

J

********************
Get your head out your dreams, they would say
Shot me down time and time again
Stubborn boy, he refuses to change
Ooh, catch a cloud, but
You can't keep me down

--Joss Stone

Day 70: Three Questions

The first, courtesy of Jay:

"Why not try something different?"

Why not start taking care of myself?

How?

J

Day 62: And It Feels So Good

I have finally let go. I laid my sorrows down in a different city and am feeling new now that I'm home.

It feels so good.

It feels so clean.

I am ready for what's next.

J

**********************
Just let it go
and love can be so good;
stop living the blues.

--Janet