Day 60: I'm Almost Here

Let me explain the absence: I had a lot brewing in my head (understatement). I knew there were huge changes going on inside me, but couldn't identify them. I knew I had to give in to them. And I knew it would be for the better.

The distance I've come in four months is amazing. As I've told friends, the only way I was going to change was if I was blown to pieces. Last fall, I was. Everything I had based anything on was suddenly gone. I didn't know in which direction to turn. I didn't know what to do next. I didn't know anymore how to breathe.

That pain is still right around the corner. Thinking of that time, when it was still fresh, still brings it back to my chest. But it is fading. I can look back now and see how far I've come. I've been helped on this road by friends who have given me their ears, their shoulders, and--most importantly--a few minutes of their time. As Anne Lammott says, all we really have to give of ourselves is to tell someone in pain, "Do you need to talk? I've got a minute."

And I am grateful for all the minutes my friends have given me.

One such friend has told me several times that the person responsible for this change is me, that I wouldn't have made these changes if I wasn't ready. I will give him that. But I also was pushed along by others' faith in me, by them reminding me of how strong I am, even--and especially--when I don't feel strong.

Again, thank you to them.

And now...

Now, I am strong again. I've rediscovered how amazing spoken word is and the amazing people that make it happen. I'm back on the mic, giving voice to my experiences and finding my voice every time I speak. I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to a person that I've kept trapped. And he's ready to roar.

He's Professor J. And he takes the mic two times a week. And he's terrified every time he goes up. And still, he gets up there. And that speaks to his fortitude.

He is me.

The changes are still happening, but I am beginning to see their end effect. The world has yet to reckon with me. But I'm almost there. I still have a ways to go. But I've passed the halfway point.

Jay, if I lost my right hand, I'd still have my right-hand man,and all would be well, and all would be well, and all manner of things would be well. Corey, you've been my left-hand man 'cause we're both left-handed, and no matter how busy we get, you always will be. Michael, you're the one who checked on me every day. My gratitude is unending. Antoine, you've always understood and not for a second judged. You are rare.

And they're not the only ones.

Joseph and Professor J are coming together, and when they do...

Watch for it.

J

***********************
It's called the past 'cause I'm gettin' past it,
and I ain't nothin' like I was before.
You oughta see me now.
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The bruises and
the beauty of this moment
--------------
Life is cheap, bittersweet,
but it tastes good to me...
I'm gonna risk it all, the freedom to fall,
sure looks good to me.
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It's 'bout time,
said it's my time
for me to shine.

--Alicia Keys
As I Am

Day 35: Lingering Loneliness

I am lonely. Not the "woe is me, I have no one" kind of lonely. Fortunately, I have plenty of people to talk to, and people who keep me more than entertained while I do my eight hours Monday through Friday.

But something is not there that needs to be there. Something profound. That feeling of yes! that I get when I'm talking to someone who understands. That assuredness that I will be accepted with every single shortcoming I have. The feeling of relief knowing that there will be someone who can offer some relief at the end of the day.

As it is, I feel like I don't get a deep-enough connection enough of the time. I can get it with my writing, and that's always welcome/inspiring, but there is no comparison between connecting with words on a page and a live person.

Who do I turn to for relief from disconnection?

And why does everything I'm typing sound so desperate and needy today?

J
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Who really cares
When I talk
What I feel
What I say

Nobody not really...

Maybe I'm invisible to the world
Does anyone in the world even think of me
As more than just a hopeless cause
Maybe the world is not my block
My stoop
My life
My dreams
My anything...

All alone in a big empty space with
Nobody not really

--Alicia Keys