Day 366: Blessed, and Excited!

I began 2008 determined that this would be a good year. I was starting with zero and unsure of what direction to move in. I had no idea what would come.

I have been incredibly blessed. I pushed myself more than I ever had, bit off more than I ever had, and it all paid off. I am a teacher now. I was accepted into a stellar teacher certification program, became one of the top students, and I’m a teacher now (which can be a mixed blessing). I have finally moved into my own place, which I love. And I have found the love of an amazingly devoted man with all that I’ve looked for in the past. We have a ways to go, but one day at a time is working great.

I had no idea on day one that any of this would happen. I’m making it. There is still plenty of work to do, but I’m getting there.

New master plan: I will teach the next couple of years, but will be applying to graduate school next December. God willing, I’ll be a student again the following fall. It’s time to conquer more dreams, get that master’s and doctorate, then get myself on the professor track.

I’m also at work on my first new short story in over a year. And, hopefully, I’ll be in a writing group soon, which will keep my lazy self working regularly.

Now, I still have the next semester to get through. Teaching has been even harder than I had ever thought it would be, and I was thinking it would be pretty damn hard. But, I will drag my students tooth and nail if I have to to their success. We have unimaginable work to do, but we will do it. Failure is not an option.

Measuring this year in love, it has been huge. Friends and family have lent unimaginable support. Every time I thought I was at one of my ends, in flew someone with their cape. It was amazing how they came at just the right time, every time. And running into Mr. Man was a pleasant surprise as well. We have come into this with no illusions, but willing to put in the necessary work and not looking for anything to come quickly.

It has been a challenging, wonderful year, and I still have so much room to grow. There is no limit to what I can do, and I will be doing even more next year than I did this year. This blog is over, and I don’t know how often I’ll be able to blog next year; I’ll be busier than I was this year. But I will be blogging. I have to get this journey into words.

Life is good.

Thank you.

Measure in love.

J

Day 280: Here I Am

I've been teaching for a month and a half now. And it still blows my mind that I'm a teacher. Let me be blunt here: teaching is kicking my ASS! But, I love it. Who gets to do every day what they love? It comes with a price tag. I can't stand the administrative part of the job, but there's no getting away with it. And I've forgotten what it's like to be well-rested. But, Thanksgiving break is a month away. I'll be grateful for a few days away from the school.

The kids are great. They drive me nuts, but I love them. They're my responsibility now. It's terrifying if I let myself think about it. I'm responsible for 20 people's educations! Cut that thought...

All in all, although it's one of the most difficult things I've ever done and I'm stressed to the max, I'm grateful to finally be teaching, and to have come impossibly far from where I was almost exactly a year ago.

Unfortunately, the writing has gone by the wayside, as is evidenced by the lack of new blog posts. And since my weeks are so crazy, I'm adamant about having my weekends. Well, not really... More times than not, I'm in the classroom at least one day out of the weekend. BUT, when I'm not, I take my sanity time.

Personal developments continue. I'm still making my journey to wherever the hell I'm supposed to be, and still trying to maintain the faith that I'll get there. It's a struggle to balance the personal with the work life right now, but I'm determined. The trick is not letting the job swallow me. I'm getting better...

In other areas, I'm not giving anything away. Suffice it to say that all is well, and it'll be even better once I finally get things balanced and don't feel so drained from work.

Keep your head up.

J

------------------------------
I coulda stayed in that place too long
I woulda made it okay for you to do me wrong
I woulda played the role one more day
If I didn't hear my conscience say
Stop, look around
This is where you belong
Look at yourself
Are you weak, are you strong
I realized that it's all up to me
To make myself happy...

Giving up on those things that hurt me
Made me who I am today

--Brandy

Day 236: Waking Up

Life is full of double-edged swords. Personal circumstances have led me to finally admit to myself that I do miss having someone around, that I'm not so emotionally detached as I had led myself to believe. This is a good thing in the long run, I know. But, in the meantime, it sucks. Been getting attacks of the lonelies, especially at the end of these twelve hour days working at the school. Where's my foot rub at the end of the day and that person to unwind with?

Maybe long hours by myself in the classroom are just making me crazy.

Or maybe it's getting close to that time again...

J

----------------------------
Sometimes I feel
Like I don't belong anywhere
And it's gonna take so long
For me to get somewhere

Sometimes I feel so heavy-hearted
But I can't explain 'cause I'm so guarded
But that's a lonely road to travel
And a heavy load to bear

And it's a long, long way to Heaven
But I gotta get there
Can you send an angel
Can you send me an angel

To guide me

--Alicia Keys

Day 211: I've Come So Far

I'm 30 now. I've landed a teaching job. I have come farther than I had thought possible last fall.

Things are actually lining up.

I'm grateful.

I've learned that despite the disappointment, despite being single, I have more love from people around than I know what to do with.

This is not to say that life is a never-ending rainbow. The "moments" are still plentiful and there are times that test my emotional resources, but damn it if I'm not amazed at where I've ended up.

I have affected change in people's lives, and many people have affected change in mine. It has been a long time coming, and a long time away from the blog. Too much to process at times, but all is well, and all is well, and all manner of things are well.

There's only one thing missing--well, I hesitate to say "missing;" let's say one thing I haven't found yet. But that will come in time. For now, I'm loving where I'm at, and I'm damn proud of myself for getting here.

J

*********************
"Closer to my dreams"

--Goapele

Day 115: A Taste Of It

I finished Denise Chavez's Loving Pedro Infante during my lunch hour, and something clicked into place. I caught a glimpse of my old happiness. And it exploded on me--in a good way--on the way back to work. For the first time since last spring, I felt the old happiness, the old excitement, and the feeling that everything's wide-open. For that moment, I shook off the confining sense of terminal doom that's been riding on me for six months.

I had my music going, the breeze flew through my open windows, and I felt open. I can think of no other way to describe it.

I don't expect this crazy manic moment to sustain itself, but I know I'm starting to come back to myself. Finally.

I'm not back yet. But I'm coming.

J

************************************************
The game would never end until I grew tired and finally decided to stop.

At some point, you just have to stop.

You have to.

Denise Chavez, Loving Pedro Infante

Day 108: ...And I Did It

I'm in.

I was accepted during my interview, before acceptance letters go out.

It's all finally coming together. The last six months are finally being vindicated.

I can't express the relief/joy/rush I felt coming out of that interview. This is the best thing that's happened to me since I graduated from UT.

Things are happening.

J

Day 105: The Best News I've Gotten In Months

I'll be interviewing Thursday for a spot in the teaching program. I haven't wanted anything this badly since last year. I didn't realize how badly my fire had gone out till now. But I've got this in my sights. I'm set for it. With my experience mentoring and tutoring kids and the support network I have of friends and mentors working in education, this has to be mine.

I just might be Mr. Vigil after all. See you in the classroom...

J